TGG015: Releasing grudges and the science of forgiveness
FOCUS OF THE WEEK: Grudges
In his book A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle tells the story of two Zen monks:
Tanzan and Ekido...were walking along a country road that had become extremely muddy after heavy rains. Near a village, they came upon a young woman who was trying to cross the road, but the mud was so deep, it would have ruined the silk kimono she was wearing. Tanzan at once picked her up and carried her to the other side.
The monks walked on in silence. Five hours later, as they were approaching the lodging temple, Ekido couldn't restrain himself any longer. "Why did you carry that girl across the road?" he asked. "We monks are not supposed to do things like that."
"I put the girl down hours ago," said Tanzan. "Are you still carrying her?"
Tha Warmup
What’s your oldest grudge? From middle school basketball coaches to unfaithful ex-girlfriends, the people and events that come to mind will be as diverse as all of you.
If you’ve ever gone into a workout feeling really angry and found yourself literally running or bench pressing the emotion out of you, then you’ll understand how grudges work. Like the treadmill your feet are stomping into, grudges serve as targets for our hurt and provide a sense of purpose.
Unfortunately, the longer you hold a grudge, the more that grudge holds you. You think you’re coping with the pain, not realizing the shin splints and stress fractures developing below the surface.
As it turns out, forgiveness not only prevents us from being held prisoner to the past but also benefits our health. And it’s a skill that all of us are capable of cultivating.
Tha Routine
Forgiveness is something I’ve grappled with. I hear stories like that of a man wrongfully imprisoned who forgave the officer who put him behind bars, and I can’t wrap my head around them. I was uncomfortable with the idea of people being forgiven who do not deserve forgiveness. Then I realized I was wasting my energy. Why? Because I learned forgiveness is for you. Or as Everett Worthington put it, “People don’t deserve forgiveness. It’s a gift that people give.”
It’s hard to find someone more well versed in the importance of forgiveness than founder and director of the Stanford Forgiveness Projects, Dr. Fred Luskin. Luskin explains that the essence of forgiveness is the ability to make peace with No. It’s wanting something, getting no instead, and being able to move forward without prejudice. You wanted your partner to be faithful, but you got no. You wanted that promotion, but instead you got no. A guest who Oprah once had on her show put it best: forgiveness is “letting go of the past we thought we wanted.” It isn’t about accepting that something is okay. Rather, it’s accepting that something has happened and releasing the hope that things could have gone differently.
But do I realllllly need to forgive my a**hole ex-boyfriend?
Think back to the story of the monks. What’s the impact of carrying around the belief that something isn’t as it’s supposed to be? According to a 2009 paper in the Journal of the American College of Cardiology, harboring anger and hostility increases the risk of developing coronary heart disease. Dr. Luskin elaborates on the negative consequences, saying, “The hopelessness shuts down and dampens immune response, leads to some aspects of depression. Anger can have immune implications, it dysregulates the nervous system, it certainly is the most harmful emotion for the cardiovascular system. ”
Ok fine I'm listening..
Just as Gatorade, a bagel, and 48 uninterrupted hours of sleep can reverse the effects of a hangover, forgiveness can undo the damage done by grudges. According to the Stanford Forgiveness Projects, forgiveness is shown to reduce anger, hurt, depression, and stress, while increasing levels of optimism, hope, compassion, and self-confidence. Similarly, a 2016 study in the Annals of Behavioral Medicine found that, over time, increases in forgiveness are associated with decreases in stress.
Just tell me how to do this whole "forgiveness" thing.
When practicing forgiveness, Dr. Luskin recommends keeping in mind three key things. First, forgiveness isn’t for the offender; it’s for you. Second, the best time to forgive is now. And third, forgiveness is about freeing yourself -- not about accepting something as okay or befriending your offender.
With these ideas in mind, you’re ready to try Harvard Medical School’s REACH method for forgiveness:
Recall
Recall the original source of hurt in an objective manner. Allow yourself to visualize and feel all of it. But rather than putting yourself in the role of victim, imagine you’re sitting on a couch watching the events play out on a projector in front of you.
Empathize
Try to understand the other person’s point of view. "People who attack others are sometimes themselves in a state of fear, worry, and hurt," says Dr. Tyler VanderWeele. People’s words and actions are often projections of their own issues.
Altruistic Gift
Consider your own shortcomings. I think about Socrates’ words, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” Take an honest look at your life, recalling a time you treated someone poorly. How did that make you feel? This may help you realize how altruistic a gift forgiveness can be.
Commit
Commit yourself to forgiveness. The sooner you accept that something has happened, the sooner you can start to give the next moment a chance.
Hold
Hold onto that forgiveness, continuing to look back on the situation through a new lens. Oprah Winfrey’s life changed forever the day she began asking herself, Do you want to be right, or do you want peace?
In her novel Know My Name, Chanel Miller turns her experience as a sexual assault survivor into a stunning memoir. I'll leave you with an excerpt: "If you're wondering if I've forgiven him, I can only say hate is a heavy thing to carry, takes up too much space inside the self...If I have forgiven him, it's not because I'm holy. It's because I need to clear a space inside myself where hard feelings can be put to rest."
Still hungry?