TGG017: Single or your relationship isn't working? Attachment theory is here to help.
FOCUS OF THE WEEK: Attachment Theory
Tha Warmup
We live in a world that stigmatizes dependence. We put independence on a shiny pedestal, always fearful of caring too much.
However, science shows dependence is hardwired into our genes. How we behave in relationships -- in other words, how this dependence manifests itself -- affects our perception of the world.
Today we’re diving into attachment theory and Attached, the book from neuroscientist Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller that rocked my world (but like a good rocking) and will hopefully serve you, too.
Tha Routine
Neuroscientists get their hearts broken, too.
Amir Levine was a promising young student at Columbia University when he told his partner he was falling for him. His boyfriend’s response? He immediately fled New York, running off to the opposite coast. That’s worse than the time I got dumped by a guy I wasn’t dating! At the same time, Levine was doing clinical work in a therapeutic nursery, seeing first hand the power of attachment theory.
Attachment theory was pioneered by psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby. It's based on the idea that the kinds of bonds infants have with their primary caregivers form a blueprint for later life relationships. Attachment theory finds there are three main styles of attachment: secure, anxious, and avoidant.
While Levine was learning about attachment theory and working with newborns and their parents, he had a moment of clarity: the concepts he was studying carried through into adulthood. In other words, he realized there's science behind why some people navigate relationships with ease, while others struggle. And what does a super smart guy do when he has a scientific revelation amidst a heartbreak? He teams up with another super smart person to write a book that serves as “the manual we wish we’d had when we were dating.”
We have this idea that all people are born with the same capacity for love, but as Levine explains, our attachment styles dictate our default programming. What determines these attachment styles? Three main factors: 1) whether someone bonded with their primary caregivers, 2) genetics, and 3) romantic history.
Tell me more about these 3 attachment styles…
Anxious. Anxiously attached people, about one-fifth of the population, love being really close to their partner and crave lots of intimacy. “That means you never get so wrapped up in other parts of your life that you let your relationship take a backseat,” says Levine. Patricia Covalt, PhD, author of What Smart Couples Know, adds, “You like to be made to feel special, so you take the time to make your (partner) feel that way by doing lots of nice little things.” Think: picking up your partner's favorite food when you know they've had a sh*tty day at work, texting to see where they are when they're out, always taking their side in an argument, forgiving them easily. While “people with anxious attachment styles are indeed more vigilant to changes in others’ emotional expression and can have a higher degree of accuracy and sensitivity to other people’s cues,” they fear their partner doesn’t want to be as close as they’d like and are sensitive to changes in their partner’s mood.
Avoidant. About a quarter of the population (hi, me included) falls into this bucket. We feel the need to maintain independence and enjoy calling the shots. Intimacy is seen as a loss of independence and causes deactivating strategies -- methods to disengage from their partner -- to kick in. Think: flirting with others, not saying “I love you” while implying you do have feelings, pulling away when things are going smoothly, keeping secrets or deliberately leaving things foggy, creating distance when you feel overwhelmed or like you can’t stick to your agenda. “You don’t buy into the idea of two souls becoming one. Instead, you believe relationships are about two individuals who maintain their own lives and create another one together,” Murray writes. While avoidants want to be in relationships (recall: we’re all programmed to get attached), they grow more uncomfortable the closer they get to someone.
Secure. Yes, I’m looking at you, you magnificent 50% of the population. These are the warm and loving folks for whom relationships come naturally. Secure types are great at communicating what they need and how they feel. Think: calling when they say they will, not stressing over fights because they know things will get ironed out, gravitating towards people with the capacity to make them happy. In fact, think: bartender Steve from Sex and the City in his pursuit of avoidant Miranda. “Their emotional system doesn’t get too riled up in the face of threat (as with the anxious) but doesn’t get shut down either (as with the avoidant),” the authors of Attached explain. This is the ideal person to attach to, as “Time and again, research shows that the best predictor of happiness in a relationship is a secure attachment style.”
Watch out for…
What the authors call the “anxious-avoidant trap.” Anxious and avoidant types are drawn to one another, but the result is usually toxic. The Guardian’s Elle Hunt explains the dilemma well, “As the person seeking closeness works harder to get it, their avoidant partner pulls away, thus reaffirming their separate beliefs that relationships are unfulfilling or restrictive.” If you find yourself in an anxious-avoidant partnership, introspection and therapy are your best options.
How can I apply this to my life?
Glad you asked. Levine and Heller offer the following advice for those seeking relationships & those reevaluating their current state of affairs:
When on a date, instead of asking, “did they like me or not?” ask “do they have what it takes to be a good partner for me?”
Think about people in your life whose relationships you admire. “When people can recall a past relationship with a secure person or be inspired by a secure role model in their lives, they are often successful at adopting secure ways.” How do these couples act? What do they respond to? What do they ignore?
Determine your attachment style (highly recommend reading the book, but you can also take this quiz).
Practice effective communication by authentically expressing your aspirations and needs early on. “Expressing your needs and expectations to your partner in a direct, non-accusatory manner is an incredibly powerful tool...We all have very specific needs in relationships, many of which are determined by your attachment style. They aren’t good or bad, they simply are what they are.” You know how when you’re meditating, you just notice your thoughts, not labeling them as good or bad? You just watch them come and go, like images on a projector. Think of your needs in the same way: they aren’t good or bad, they just are. And each of your needs is valid and important.
Appreciate all the secure people out there. If you find one, hold onto them. One in four people do change attachment styles over time, and it’s usually the result of being in a relationship with a secure person.
Do it for your health…
C'mon, you KNEW I was going to tie this baby back to our health. This all goes far beyond not being alone. According to the authors, people in good relationships are shown to live longer and healthier lives. Why? “It works this way because we are connected to our partner on both a psychological and a physiological level. Our attachment circuitry (the wiring in our brain that ensures we remain connected to our loved ones) is linked to our autonomic nervous system—the system that governs our breathing, sleep, hunger, heart rate, blood pressure and other functions that are outside of our control. If we’re in a good relationship, we experience a calm security like no other.” Plus, good relationships mean extra endorphins. And we LOVE extra endorphins.
One of my favorite couples is Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard because of the deep respect they have for one another. I’ll leave you with something Bell wrote in a Valentine’s Day post: “Life is a crazy ride. It’s a privilege to go through it with a partner.”
Huge thanks to @Julia and @Delaney for sharing this book and showing me a scientific approach to relationships.
My friend Julia is a licensed psychotherapist in San Francisco who sees her patients as courageous, mature, introspective human-beings who care about making the most out of this precious life on earth. Check out her website for more information.