TGG023: Accomplished and Miserable?

“If I just get the promotion, then I’ll be happy.”
“If I just get this job, then I’ll be happy.”
“If I can just find the right partner, then I’ll be happy.”

How many times have you had those thoughts? How many times have you had those thoughts, then gone on to get the job, the girl, the promotion, whatever it was you coveted? The high felt high, but within a few days, weeks, or months, it came down and you found yourself just as upbeat or dejected as before.

Part of the reason is that our definition of success is based on comparison to those around us, and that just isn’t sustainable. Because either we don’t get what we want and we’re unhappy, or we get exactly what we want and we’re still not happy.

Why is self-esteem only available when we succeed?
We define success in terms of material goods. Most people in our society can never feel successful enough, chasing the next reward almost as soon as they’ve gotten the last. Think about your finance friends in New York. They spend two years hating their lives, then they finally get jobs with better hours, and they feel just as empty as they did before. This hopelessness has a name: arrival fallacy.

Harvard-trained positive psychology expert Tal Ben-Shahar explains, “Arrival fallacy is this illusion that once we make it, once we attain our goal or reach our destination, we will reach lasting happiness.” When people get the thing they’d put on the pedestal, they are in fact happy, but only briefly. “This time, they’re unhappy, but more than that they’re unhappy without hope,” he explained. “Because before they lived under the illusion — well, the false hope — that once they make it, then they’ll be happy.”

We humans also have a tendency to overestimate the amount of joy an event will bring. In 1998, a study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology asked professors who had either received or been denied tenure within the past five years to rate their happiness. One would expect the tenured professors to be happier. Yet both groups reported similar satisfaction. And when assistant professors not yet eligible for tenure were asked how happy achieving tenure would make them, they consistently overestimated the happiness it would bring. Dr. Jamie Gruman summarizes it nicely, “We tend to be pretty good at knowing what things are going to make us happy and unhappy…but we’re not very good at predicting the intensity and the duration of the effect of events.”

The problem is this: achievement does not equal happiness (not in the long run, at least). I realize that such a statement is borderline sacrilegious in a country where people are on a never-ending quest for more and more. Yet the proof everywhere. How many of you have friends whose parents pushed them so hard in sports that they lost every ounce of joy those activities once brought them? Imagine if their parents, instead of asking, “How many points did you score?” asked, “Did you help a teammate?” or “Did you figure out how to have fun at working really, really hard?”

So...what will make me happy?
The science is clear: relationships are the number one predictor of happiness. The Harvard Study of Adult Development, discussed by Robert Waldinger in his popular TED Talk, tracked the lives of 724 men over 75 years. The research found good relationships keep us happier and healthier. People who are more socially connected actually live longer, fuller lives. The same is true in reverse: those who are lonelier are less happy, less healthy, and live shorter lives.

There’s more. Participants who were most happy in their relationships at 50 were the healthiest at 80. Those who felt like they could really count on their partners even had sharper memories. The takeaway from one of the longest studies of adult life ever conducted? Quality relationships are good for our overall well-being, our physical health, and even our mental health. I promised you a wellness newsletter, so here’s your wellness tip of the day: include the quality of your relationships in your definition of success.

I’m worried about losing my sense of purpose….
Trust me, I admire work ethic as much as anyone. In encouraging you to invest in your relationships, I am not suggesting you give up your goals. After all, goals can cultivate purpose and meaning, which contribute to happiness. I’m just suggesting you be strategic. Dr. Ben-Shahar suggests having multiple concurrent goals, both personal and professional. And don’t get intimidated by the concept of goals; it can be as simple as cooking dinner with your roommate once a week.

Things you should start doing now…
First, they’re the leading indicator of happiness, so lean into your relationships. That looks different for everyone. Maybe it means helping a friend look for a job. If you’re going through a hard time, perhaps it looks like tapping on someone you trust and asking them to listen. You’ll be amazed at the power of vulnerability to develop deep connections.

Second, set concurrent goals. Absolutely bet on yourself at work and reach for those things that seem too far to grasp. But be sure to do the same in your community. It’s never too late to join a tennis league or befriend those around you at your outdoor workout class.

Last, do what feels good. Every moment can’t be sunshine and rainbows; struggle is an inherent part of the well-lived life. But do give yourself permission to do things that bring you joy.

I hope you land the promotion, hit that number on the scale, or get that special person’s attention. And I hope your relationships with yourself and with others remain strong regardless of the outcome.